Understanding Modern Tantric Sexuality

Preparation and set up

Deep relaxation (often including a shower or bath and some meditation)

Lingam massage: a full-body massage for the male partner that ends with prolonged oral/manual edging and eventually an orgasm (or more than one, if he can)

Yoni massage: a full-body massage for the female partner that ends with oral/manual edging and eventually at least one orgasm (and often many)

Yab-yum: A period of stillness, genital connection, and a couple of meditation

Maithuna: Normal penetrative sex, often starting with the woman on top

When my partner and I follow that basic schedule, each massage takes close to an hour and we generally take 3 to 3.5 hours for the whole ritual.

The version that most modern tantric practitioners do probably isn’t what has been practiced in India 2,500 years ago. The first written descriptions didn’t begin to appear until around 1600 years ago, and they are cryptic and heavily influenced by the many non-sexual tantric religious rituals that flourished within Hinduism and Buddhism after around 400 CE.

But the archeological record strongly suggests that tantric sex is much older. It appears to have persisted for thousands of years, often within religious communities, even though it was often suppressed or strongly discouraged. It survived because it was primarily an esoteric tradition, taught directly from one person to another.

If people deviated too far from what worked, they quickly realized that they weren’t getting the effects they expected, so they self-corrected. This kept innovation and accumulated errors within fairly strict limits.

Repeated attempts were made to desex or “spiritualize” tantra, but they never succeeded in replacing real sex with “virtual” or imaginary sex. (Yes, they tried. Read about “red” vs “white” tantra some time if you are curious.)

This continues today. Google “tantra” and you can find hundreds of websites that tell you that tantric sex is only a tiny part of “true tantric spirituality.”

(Translation: if you want incredible sex, you have to join our cult!)

Don’t believe it. Anyone can learn tantric sex. All it takes is a loving partner, a safe warm nest, the ability to meditate, and some time. Most couples say it takes a few months to learn the basics and six months to a year to get good at it.

One caution:

Tantra is often pitched to sexual thrill-seekers. In my experience, it is actually most suitable for established couples. It’s equally appealing for couples who are having good sex and want to keep making it better, and couples who have slipped into the doldrums and are unhappy with the direction their sex lives are trending.

If you and your partner have a strong, loving relationship, but you’re wondering if the sex is going to be all downhill from here, with less passion every year, the good news is that it definitely doesn’t have to be, and learning tantra is one of the best ways to amplify (or restore) the passion you had at the beginning and make it last.

Learning tantric sex with a partner is also particularly helpful for women who have trouble reaching orgasm during sex.

Tantric Sex in Context:

None of the characteristic effects of tantric sex — the euphoria, the intense orgasms, the deep bonding, or the transcendental experiences — happen exclusively during tantric sex. They are all-natural phenomena that depend on quirks in the human brain and nervous system.

Other people have discovered each of them before, in many different times and places. All of them have been documented before in other societies.

The euphoria that can occur during marathon sex is so common that getting drunk or getting high on sex is a cliche. The union of partners and sharing of bodies is somewhat less common but is still widely known. It is alluded to in Genesis, the Koran, Persian poetry, and many other literary traditions and cultures, and is common enough to have become a poetic metaphor for intensely passionate sex.

The complete “cosmic union” experience is much rarer, and descriptions of it have usually been dismissed as poetic excess, but they can also be found in many cultures and literary traditions.

Jenny Wade has documented many cases of that and other transcendental experiences during sex, without the use of drugs, tantra, or spiritual disciplines, in her book Transcendent Sex: When Lovemaking Opens the Veil.

Curiously, the ability for prolonged sex to build and maintain strong emotional bonds between partners is perhaps the least documented in other sources. Perhaps this is because, at least until the last few centuries, spending much longer on sex and mutual pleasure was more normal for married couples, so people took its effects for granted.

Enhanced Tantric Techniques:

1. Tantric Breathing

Technique: Partners sit facing each other in a comfortable position, touching or close enough to feel each other's breath. They inhale and exhale in unison, or one inhales while the other exhales, creating a harmonious breathing rhythm. This practice fosters a deep connection, synchronizing their energies and encouraging presence.

Purpose: To increase intimacy and energetic alignment, helping partners to become more attuned to each other's physical and emotional states.

2. Sensory Awakening

Technique: Use various textures (feathers, silk, ice) to explore each other's bodies without sexual intent, focusing on awakening the senses. This can include blindfolding one partner to heighten the other senses, encouraging mindfulness and present awareness.

Purpose: To enhance sensitivity and awareness, making each touch more impactful and deepening the connection through shared exploration and vulnerability.

3. Sacred Spot Massage

Technique: After creating a relaxed and sacred atmosphere, the giver gently massages the receiver's G-spot or P-spot with lubrication, using slow, mindful movements. Communication is key to ensure comfort and consent. This massage can lead to emotional release and profound pleasure.

Purpose: To awaken deep-seated sexual energy, release emotional blockages, and enhance intimacy by trusting and exploring vulnerable aspects of each other.

4. Energy Visualization

Technique: During intimacy, both partners visualize a ball of energy that forms in the lower abdomen and grows with each breath. As arousal builds, they imagine this energy ball expanding and moving through their bodies, enhancing the sexual and emotional experience.

Purpose: To intensify the sexual experience by directing energy consciously, promoting a deeper spiritual connection and more intense orgasms.

Additional Techniques

5. Eye Gazing

Technique: Sitting across from each other, partners lock eyes without speaking, focusing on maintaining eye contact for an extended period. This can be done in silence or with soft music in the background, aiming to communicate non-verbally and connect deeply.

Purpose: To build intimacy and trust, allowing partners to see and be seen on a profound level, breaking down barriers and fostering emotional openness.

6. Mindful Touch

Technique: With intention and focus, one partner explores the other's body with slow, deliberate touches, varying pressure and speed, and paying close attention to the partner's reactions. This can be done with hands, lips, and other parts of the body.

Purpose: To cultivate a deep awareness of each other's pleasure points, enhance sensitivity, and communicate love and reverence through touch.

7. Chakra Alignment

Technique: Partners focus on aligning and balancing their chakras together through meditation, visualization, or touch. They may use specific mantras or sounds associated with each chakra, visualizing energy flowing smoothly between them.

Purpose: To harmonize individual energies, promoting physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being within the relationship.

8. Ritual Creation

Technique: Couples create their own unique ritual to start or end their tantric practice, incorporating elements that are meaningful to them. This could include lighting candles, setting intentions, using specific scents, or reciting personal vows.

Purpose: To sanctify their time together, marking the beginning and end of their sacred space and enhancing the significance of their connection.

These techniques aim to bring couples closer, not just physically but on a deeper emotional and spiritual level. By practicing mindfulness, presence, and intentionality, partners can explore the profound depths of their connection, enriching their relationship in ways that extend beyond the physical realm. Tantra is about the journey of exploration and the beauty of being fully present with another, celebrating the divine connection that intimacy can bring.